Hello Emotionally Intelligent Couples!
I could anonymize this experience, but I’d rather to get real with you. I want you to get to know us, just as we want to get to know you.
I asked myself, in an intense tension moment with my partner, a question that transformed our situation in a level I could never have imagined.
Let me give you a little bit of information about the context: my partner and I got mad at each other and used some hurtful words. We stopped communicating for hours and stayed in our respective corners in our home. In less than 2 hours we were going to welcome guests and nothing was ready. I didn’t want to take charge of all the preparations myself. Him, he was escaping, closing himself in video games. According to him, this helped him discharge. As you may imagine, I was getting more and more nervous and angrier every coming minute.
Now, to the word in the origin of all this drama… Everything started when I told my partner: ” You can be so slow sometimes in understanding things.” When my partner was no longer following my thoughts I lost my patience, got angry and instead of softly repeating what I was saying, I used a mean tone and language, to which my partner reacted terribly.
I neither wanted to complain to my partner and generate more tension nor boss him around to make things move. I am not his mother, I am his partner.
So I paused. I took a big breath, I said to myself everything I wanted to say and yell. Then I asked myself, two questions that turned the situation around: What would be the most emotional intelligent way to act? What would the feminine energy do in that situation? (feminine energy as being receptive as opposed to masculine energy that is projective)
After a silent moment, a sudden flow of emotion went straight to my heart and tears started falling down my face. A strong wave of sadness was squeezing my heart. I allowed myself to feel it, didn’t try to repress, avoid or judge it. I simply accepted that feeling, allowed myself to feel it, welcomed that emotion that was present in me at that moment.
Then suddenly the masculine energy in my partner reacted – he wanted to understand what was happening, wanting to fix it.
After carefully choosing my words, I said, I don’t know…I don’t know how we can find balance and communicate better together.
Beautiful, strong, meaningful exchange happened in that moment.
The angry part in my partner that was building a wall, broke down in an instant, letting him access to his true self.
He dared to show his vulnerability, (such a strength!). The vulnerable part in him expressed his biggest fears and inner negative thoughts.
How wonderful is that feminine energy of welcoming whatever is. She has the power to drop down the toughest armors.
He fears things that concern a lot of us. Afraid of being useless. Afraid of being abandoned because of being useless. Afraid of being thrown away after expiring his usefulness. Afraid of not being capable enough, not good enough. Feeling that he’s being taken advantage of, that he is drained, that he does not deserve to be loved…
Then what made him completely open up, instead of reassuring his insecurities, instead of denying it or contradicting it? I did what I knew would have a powerful impact on him.
I repeated out loud what he kept on repeating to himself, his biggest fear: “yes, you are the biggest useless idiot.”
That sentence opened up the highway to his heart.
He felt that vulnerable part in him and welcomed it. Tears started falling down his face. Tears of purification, of healing.
I laid my hand on his heart and stayed quiet. Then I told his how proud I was of him of been so brave, so courageous, how grateful I was of him for trusting me with his vulnerability. I told him how much I loved him for that. I told him that who he is, is enough for me.
I am thankful to that conflict. It helped us evolve as individuals and as a couple. Our bond keeps on growing stronger and stronger everyday. We keep on getting to know each other better and better.
How well do you know your partner? How true can you be with each other? We have developed a set of questions in PlusLess. You can play the Question Tank Game with your partner to get to know each other even better.
This experience was so intense now we both need time to integrate the transformation.
Like Rhonda Byrne says, change your feelings and your external circumstances will also change. Now, more than ever, I agree with this statement, after passing through such a powerful experience.
Nathalie from PlusLess